All About Fears

May be man lives in constant fears. As I read somewhere fear of loosing wealth, fear of loosing youth, fear of loosing health, fear of loosing honour , last but not least fear of loosing life. If I have to go further into the question what is loosing? Prospect of missing something you are already having on hand, or not having something which you hope to acquire in coming times. It is also being deprived of comfort zone which you are enjoying now or fear of getting miserable altogether.

I have a feeling that except fear of loosing life which is basic survival instinct, all other fears can be reviewed, mitigated and nullified with great deal of thinking. Contemplation is one face of our courage and the other being faith.

It is all but natural for children to have fears by virtue of their being miniature versions, and their inability to comprehend the realities, and their constant need to look for support. Fear of darkness and fear of unknown emboldened by incidents, peers, stories, fantasies are only to be dispelled by constant reassurance or by developing a kind of faith. I have been given the second path. Feared to pass through alleys with vacant lands and giant trees I was given a mantra of courageousness, chanting the name of Hanuman. I was told in my childhood that he is there to protect me from all the demons, evils and ill health. I was praying laying in my bed often down with typhoid to bestow me with a steel body like him (actually steel is a cheap parity, for Indians it is Vajra for hardness). What a kind of infusing spunk into the small brain which cannot see big reasons to be courageous. For years it kept me undaunted.

Fearlessness did both good and bad to me. Good because I could penetrate any where which earned me admiration and praise . Bad because I was sometimes looked with suspicion of my intentions and feared . I secretly know that they mistake an earthworm to be a snake. But I could do nothing about it I do know how to be otherwise.

Loosing youth really troubled me for sometime but as it is inevitable I have adjusted to it. Health becomes precious only when you loose it.I have great reluctance to be paranoid. Fear of loosing life perhaps , the most fundamental of survival instincts should scare us the most. We come to this world unasked for.We don't realize the gorgeousness of life untill we are threatened. World is existing for you only when you have some kind of wriggling and warm blood gushing through your veins. But bear it mind ,that aggression on life is the last kind of assault one would think of if not rare.

Honour..yes I attached great deal of importance to it. It is one thing which I could not easily write off. May be it is one of my fundamental core values by which I abide. I value it, but I don't fear loosing it if prooves to be desastrous for my survival.

By default all people tend to loose a lot by not being courageous. We can make or break our lives by inculcating it or failing to do so. We need to constantly remind ourselves that our fears are being encashed. Do not use your courage for wrong reasons. There is the difference between courage and outrage.

Our worst fears need to be answered . Drawing logical rejoinders can crack them. Funniest part of it is most of them are silly.Never let them devour you inside.If prayer can galvanize your strength there is nothing wrong in doing so. Affliction is worst than old school tag.

What made me to write all this? Am I trying to get intellectual? No. It is constant submission of humans to another human either for fear of loosing something or getting something which makes me sorrowful. From time immemorial courage and valour have been noble attributes. But seldom wars have been fought for human good. Human history folios are soiled with blood of eliminations. It is all about adorning few at the expense of many. At least now are we up against it?

My costal plains

I have spent my childhood in town which is lush green, less than 40 miles away from Godavari river, extremely fertile and rich but never had a mountain or hill. The rainy season was moist and swampy because of it's alluvial soil and in a way disgusting as I get to see various types of arthropodes born overnight in countless numbers, various types of larvas clinging to the trees, with crawling earthworms under your feet, and few scorpions peeping out of their homes to sting a bite. The town litterally looked like a jungle book. It had it's own river which bigger than a canal. The fox howl at night on the other bank of the river which is not yet inhabited. Men and women bathe in it and pass through the streets in their wet cloths. Many poor wash their cloths in the same river just besides a person who is filling his water for drinking. The water flowing in the rainy season looks red and muddy and inorder to purify that people use seed called "Indupa" . A paste made out of it is mixed in the water. In matter of minutes the water turns crystal clear.

On the banks of river few festivals were celebrated and many women with their metal "Gowri" decorated with flowers on their head place their deity on the steps of the river and finally distribute "Poha'(Atukulu)

either soaked in milk or curd distribute to all as prasadam. That was one of my favourite prasadams. Men and women in the biting cold of "karthika Pounami" bathe in cold waters of the river and women leave their mud lamps placing them in banana tree bark. Girls group to gether hunt for mehendi tree. They pasted it to decorate their palms.

1902

Nineteen o two. The year in which Swami Vivekananda died. The World War I has years to begin.Titanic did not sink yet. The Bolsheviks revolution has a long way to take off. The Chinese did not discover Mao. . The Bengal was not divided by Carzon. Gandhi was still fighting in South Africa. Movies did not begin talking. Horse carts were the popular mode of transport of the rich. The days when women in the industrialised nations were still washing their cloths, and dishes with hands. The last Elizabethan poet T.S.Eliot was still living writing his poems. Then in the port town of Andra Pradesh called Machilipatnam the first son was born to a rich man whose ancestors have reportedly fed the entire town during the tidal waves. It was my father.

My father lost his mother when he was too young or may be while she was in her labour room. His grand mother raised this  pampered  the kid feeding him  Britannia biscuits, Horlicks,  almonds from  Great Britain,  their Indian prototypes haven't   appeared in Indian markets yet. . This handsome young man was  always professed to be the future  High Court Judge by every acquaintance . It was always predicted  that  his  meteoric rise was certain. He was married at the age of twenty to the girl of ten. Even before he was married to my mother he was married to his first love  tennis. Education being the prime objective he finished his graduation at Hindu college and went to Madras for his law. He learned smoking to survive stinky toilets.  But never forgot to play tennis in Madras either. He was an instant hit with tennis lovers there too. He bet Ramanathan (Krishnan's father) "Cambridge Blues " Krishna Swami and RamaSwamy, and was frequently watched by celebrities like Gemini Vasan while playing. After finishing law he  came back and joined the judiciary in his home town , but even his job  did not deter his love for tennis. He continued with his winning streak , laurels pouring in and  markets selling tennis rackets  engraved with his name (No endorsements were in vogue). His  house was filled with silver cups displayed in show cases and he was caught up with  unawares  of stolen  cups  by his servants. He was admired and surrounded by quite a few British officials, Zamindars and rest while prince's of small provinces. He was offered a  royal patronage which he politely rejected.  He remained  a  family man with utter  teetotalism  and unfazed  loyalty to his wife. Those days  the sport was never state sponsored, and he went on playing  the game in different cities and towns paying from his pocket. . Eventually his family  gold began melting and surely returned to him in the form of silver prize cups. He relinquished his share of property to his younger step brothers when requested. Yet he remained a  contended man. After enjoying a  great spell of  victorious journey he retired from tennis  and never touched the bat again. He never tried to cling to the sport in any capacity  and remained at peace with himself . Though his judgements were well preserved and followed verbatim by his successor authorities while delivering judgements,  he did not  materialize his dream of becoming High court judge. He never made big money.  But I never saw him speaking a single word about his past glory. I vaguely remember his home coming in the hazy light of wee hours. I was rubbing my eyes when  he came and cuddled me.  I asked  him with surprise filled joy  "When would  you go back daddy?" he said with a smile "I am not  going  back. They sent me away telling  "You old chap ! Retire from the service and don't forget to take  this walking stick'". I was just 5 years old!! It is never too late to have a child in India.

He took up practice as lawyer and one day  some enthusiastic young lawyer posed him a question " Sir, Won't you feel belittled to practice as a lawyer and bow  to a  junior sitting in the  chair which you held before ?" He said with same like steadiness " The showered respect  was intended to my chair not to me . So I should not take it as my personal issue ". I very well remember that incident. He never liked to take up criminal cases and took up only civil suits. I used to pester him during his office hours to read me a story. He used to do that and one day he told me " If you learn how to read a book you need not depend on any body for your stories". That worked miracles. In a short span of time I learned how to read  great deal of letters and started doing lot of reading.

Whenever my mother wanted to go to a movie with neighbours I preferred to stay at home. It was like a feast for me because I get plenty of time to sit with my dad and discuss lot of things.He discussed lot of things on politics, spirituality,Vedanta, literature and music, movies etc,. I was struggling hard to grow as an adult to receive what I am listening. I was listening with rapt attention inhaling his Berkley cigarette smoke(passive smoking was not invented) I was still young, may be ten. I very well remember my question "How do you believe the existence of God?". Then he asked me " Whose child are you?" I was surprised and said "I am your child" He asked " How do you know it?" It was really challenging question for a ten year old. I said " Ever body is telling me that I am your child" He asked " Do you believe it?" I said "Yes" He said " In the same way you have to believe when some body who experienced divinity  tells you that he had seen God". " May be he is right. Ramakrishna Parama Hamsa did it to Naren. No wonder I grew up very fast to assimilate what I have been receiving.

I liked to watch a glitter in his eyes when I discussed few verses in Gita. I might have done many times only for his sake . I always wanted to watch him feel proud of my achievements.He taught me Yoga and meditation.. I could do every thing except Sirshasan. I accompanied him to many spiritual discourses and classical music concerts.He never chided when I told him that I had been to churches along with my friends. He taught me how to respect mine and tolerate others. He read me his Bhavan's journal, Imprint and Span . I found copy of Koran, Bible in his trunk . . I could see a twinkling tear in his eyes in our dark surroundings when he mentioned about sacrifices made by our freedom fighters and listen him cursing himself for serving British while many national leaders were canned by them. He insisted that I should be courageous like a boy. He left his bungalows when his income started dwindling. He never felt bad for leaving servants. He looked the same in his tailed house as he was in bungalow . He never regretted for not earning enough money. He did not expect his sons to support him. I could never see him cursing his penury.

His command over the English was terrific. His knowledge of English Grammar was unmatched. As I was lazy to look into dictionary he served as my ready reckoner.He loved Saigal songs and he liked Santa Ram's movies. He admired Hindi  heroin Sulochana. He always praised Meena Kumari for her acting abilities. He hated Mohammed Rafi songs.  As the time passed by I saw him decaying, I saw him disoriented. I saw him bed ridden . I saw him dying. In the midst of us there are many extraordinary men who lead ordinary lives. . No one knows about  them except their close confides.

It is already one hundred and seven years this man is born. More than a century. Even if he is not consumed by his disease he would not have lived this long. Strangely I am not left with any of his reminiscences. I do not possess any of his furniture, his books, his things, not even piece of paper with his hand writing. They all disappeared like magic consumed by floods. When I look back it always strikes that  I never had young parents. I had parents who were fit enough to be my grand parents. But for me they served as connecting bridges between old and new worlds. I passed on these bridges and swayed by the winds of the two worlds. Beginning of 1900 doesn't look far away to me. I feel magically  nostalgic about those times.  I lived in those times ...some where..sometime.. may be in my imagination. I remained a person with  memories ..  one generation behind, and  aspirations.. one generation ahead .

American Dream

I entered the country when trees are changing into elegant pale green tender outfits, while roses are blooming, morning fog is thinning down with due vanishing quickly in the tepid sunshine. Days are passing. To day I have looked up to the trees with astonishment . What made them to bend so humbly? They are gently moving with heaviness of fruits allover, like an expecting mother. .They are stunningly beautiful. Did I ever think that fruits can be as ravishing as flowers ? Though I have been strolling through their avenues for quite some time, I failed to notice the beautiful transformation that is taking place all over. Nature is on it's silent magnificient course. Even the smallest bush is looking seductive like a matured maid with delightful red fruits. May be with prospect of impending severe winters to unvail, the nature is too quick to utilize it's short summers with abundant rainfalls, to continue with it's pro creation process. Though some fruits could be identified as cherries, peaches plums,or nectarines some couln't be.I am not sure if they safe to eat . Yet I decided to experiment with some fallen fruits. Such was the irresistible beauty of their colour.

I never remember to have seen all the trees bearing fruits simultaneously, so abundantly way back in my country. It is totally false to think that my country doesn't produce fruits. I cannot miss the sight of mangoes clinging to their mother.Many pomegranites, many more jamuns,coconuts, custard apples, papayas,jack fruits, lemons, orenges. We were probably largest cultivators of fruits in the world not too long ago.Our horticulture was revolutionised more than fifteen years ago. But barely we have a chance to see any tree accessible to the public there proudly showing it's fruits . Let alone trees on the streets and public places, the trees in our back yard have to be guarded from so many attacking children, thieves, and almost from every body. Such are our hunger pangs! I felt extremely strange that I did not find many beggars in south Canara and North Canara Districts of Karnataka. Even the one we found was reluctant to accept bananas from us. He was simply not interested. He doesn't have to struggle to fetch a fruit there. That is noteworthy. When food is abundantly available who risks to steal or condescend to beg ?

I think it would not be inappropriate to mention about my myths about America ( I love to call it that way) which were dispelled during my course of visit to this country.While penning down them I imagine photos shown on Obesity clinics with "Before" and "After" captions.

BEFORE:

1.There are no beggars in America.

2. We see people here engaged in kissing every where and any time.

3. Americans are rich.

4. American houses are great.

5.All American doctors are proficient with no comparisons.

6.Food in America is cheap.

7.All Americans are very professional.

8. They are by and large Christians by faith.

9. All their public services are well in their place.

10.cops are equally corrupt in America

11. Their advertisements are superb.

12. They have well shaped bodies by birth.

13.Their politicians are somewhat principled.

14.On the whole America is a very cold country.

15. There is significant Indian presence in America.

16. Indian Saree is admired here by one and all.

17. All Americans have glossy cars.

18. Chinese are at par with Indians in America.

19.Americans cannot be more broadminded than many in the world.

20. Indians are sole proprietors of love and compassion.

AFTER:

1. America has more number of beggars than what I imagined.

2. Hardly I see any two persons kissing in public places.

3. Few American are rich.

4. American houses are typical, inexpensive in terms of real material value.

5. Very few American doctors are truly great, but majority are ineffective.

6. Food in America is not cheap.

7. Majority of them fall below the desired efficiency levels.

8. Religion is the last word for many of them. ( I am happy about it)

9.Their public transport and health care systems are totally controlled by the vested interests.

10. American Cops are many times better than their Indian counterparts.

11. Advertisements in America are worst of their kind.

12. They have to sweat a lot to get into shape lest they could be terribly obese.

13. Politicians here too work for themselves.

14. Many parts of America in summer are as hot as India or even more.

15. Even today Indian presence is not significant in America.

16. Sarees are not very well accepted here.

17. Most Americans possess average looking cars, of course with no dents.

18. Chinese are integral part of American history.

19. Americans are extremely broadminded .

20. Compassion is the guiding principle in American civil society.

Surprisingly I may come out with few more findings in times to come. Any way it would be unpatriotic of me if I write about America on my country's Independence Day. So I am using my post options.

Mera Bharat

Sixty two years of long walk!!

Many aspirations and disappointments, partitions and police actions, cold wars and non aligned movements, Pl420s and green revolutions,nuxalburies and encounters, border issues and Chinese wars, family plannings and tubectomies, bulky Ambassadors and sleek Fiats, Lal Bahadur Sastrys and Pakistan push backs, Satyajit Rays and film Festival awards, rule of conscience and party splits,anti-Hindis and sons of the soils, Soviet Unions and rouble crude, 21 formulae and socialist eras, Amuls and white revolutions , Gavaskarss and Wadekars, refugees and Bangla Wars, Manik Shaws and Auroras, Hajj Mastans Verada Rajans, Homi Babas and nuclear tests, Emergencies and Janata Dals, Door Darshans and Humlogs, World cups and Kapil Devs, violent Assam and AGPS, burning Kashmirs and fleeing Pandits, Gurkha Liberation fronts and Khalistans, Bhindrewalas and operation Blue Stars, assassinations and Delhi riots, Mauritis and Bajajs, Rajiv Gandhis and last found Lotto shoes, Armbanis and DuPonts, BJPs and Rath Yatras, Babri Masjids and bomb blasts, Narasimha Raos and globalisation, Vajpayees and Pokhrans, Kargils and Shining Indias, Bombay blasts and Godhras, Soft wares and Y2ks, IT riches and changing life styles, growing Railways and failing Air Indias, Maoists and swelling Communists, SRKs and shining Bollywoods, Indian Mujaheddin and south training camps, Nuclear pacts and Nanos, emerging Dhoni and IPLS, Nandigrams and Khandamals, Raj Thackerays and Bombay attacks, Slum dogs and Rehmans, Elections..dynasty politics.... What else? J.P?.... Will he be? The lone glimmering hope in the horizon of dark politics? Can he make it??????????????

Oh mother! It has been a long walk for you. you have been travelling in a path filled with hard stones, thrones and bullets and rarely with petals since the day of your emancipation.? Do you deserve it? Thugs, Huns, Mangols,Muslim invaders, the British, no body could threaten you as much as you hav been threatened to day. You are bleeding. Yet you are walking. I am speechless looking at your amazing endurance!! I wish you walk tall eternally.

Lala Land

I love pets. Many a times my heart is filled with regret when I come across a cute small pet cozy with it's master. I know that they are stress busters. They can give purpose to your life.I know it too. But there is always a lurking fear in my mind that I may loose my freedom to travel around if I keep a pet. If at all my dream comes true I always would like to keep mammals as my pets rather than a lizard or dung bee. As far as my limited knowledge goes big animals have distinct capacity to express their love and have got bigger brains to act. Somehow I have no great fancy for rats , cats and pigs being my pets though. Perhaps, my backgrounds plays a major role in doing so.


During the course of my interaction with Westerners I really started feeling very funny about their obsession with pets. Many floating stories of cats and dogs inheriting millions of pounds or dollars during my child hood still live fresh in my memories. Yet the live demonstrations of their fashionable pet hair grooming, coloring,flashy dressing make me weary of things going around. Dog food is something which is showing up in Indian markets of late. But out here we find many chefs creating special dog foods using all their culinary skills. We come across countless pet food with high protein, fibers, vitamins, vegetables. Not to talk about pet diet foods which always give me kind of weird feeling. Don't they deserve a special food as much as a human ? When the question comes I find it difficult to convince my self about their ability to differentiate between raw meat and special fancy food. We find People here coming up with thousands of business plans to capture your fancy ideas. I come from a country where animals are loved and respected. But at the same time I belong to a country where millions of human beings can not afford a meal twice a day. There is nothing wrong if it looks crime to me. I felt that whole humanity is being insulted. It may sound strong but I got to say it.


What ever may be my preferences with regard to pets I was delighted to be encountered by numerous animals in Disney Land.Even the pigs manage to look cute. No animal was looked down by Walt Disney and were made worth to be a special character in their creations. They became heroes with umpteen number of tales attached to them. The ambiance looked gorgeous.The houses look very much like fairy tale castles with mellowed lighting. It is as though you are making journey into dreamy fairy land. The rides were meticulous and thrilling. The shows were spectacular. The celebration walk was delightful . The fire works were amazing. The laser show was incredible. Totally it was a fantastic experience.It was more than what I expected out of it. It is equally enthrawling for all age groups. Momentarily I shirked the creeping cynicism about the attractions of places.

In the past very often I questioned my self skeptically if I am living longer. What worth is life which is robbed off curiosity, enthusiasm and bubbling energy to live into it? May be our sages were right in prescribing "Vanaprasthashramam" after some age. On the soils of Disney Land I shunned my passivity and felt how nice it would have been it I were to be a child. Those parrots, squirrels, bears, tigers, would have been very real to me.I would have been swayed by their songs, stories, and exclamations.I would have awaited for them to come alive.How can I forget my childhood fanciful dream of finding a Lilliput some where sometime and hiding it away from my parents?

Since long time I had a strong feeling that we need to work a lot about our kids, their small world of wonders, fairy tales, mysteries, adventures, and good will. We can't even produce a movie for them.We fail to capture their imagination. They are forced to watch adult scrap of sex , violence, and wicked humour along with us.They have been imbibed with false values suitable for a movie.We cannot miss to see many of our small kids acting like small sized land lords, businessmen, government officials, politicians and celebrities. Their egos have been bloated up by what they see at home and around.When communications were in their primitive days lots of folk lore and epic movies produced in olden days were instrumental in building the character of a person. With growing number of parents with sparse time and knowledge to pass on the traditional wisdom to the kids, cartoon network substitutes the gap with lot of information about spider Man, Superman, Pokemon, etc..etc..not a bit of smell of indigenous soil.Thanks for Hanuman series. We don't really appear anywhere. Truly nowhere.How many of them know that Arabian nights had roots in Indian folk lore? They were admired by every one in the world. How my Vishnu Sharma the first genius to make animals speak and act like humans is not shining like a jewel in the crown?


"I am also an Indian like you. I don't get respect in this country. Will you treat me well if I come to your country?" asked one Mexican during the bus journey. I remembered the lines I read somewhere that we two Indians have got most dissimilar DNA in our bodies. I was overwhelmed by many answers from within which I could never utter. " I am an Indian with feathers. You are an Indian with something on the fore head (Bottu). So we are same" totally American looking lady said while appreciating my Saree. Again many queries from within overpowered me. What does the world know about me? Am I showing anywhere? Am I recognized? Am I getting my due? If not why?

Above all, am I so simple to define? How can I explain them that I had few comparisons? My present day is inertia from my centuries of toil. I am resilient. Iam here to rise and conquer.